Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

Johnny Carson once said, “Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die,” a quote my father likes to recite anytime he gets the chance, which, of course, makes my mom come back with her own Rodney Dangerfield line, “My husband and I were happy for twenty years, then we met.”

They’ve been doing the same dance for years, but truth is, they’ve been married for over 50 years…and, while they would both deny it to their graves, they’re about as happy a couple as you could find. What’s the secret to their lifelong happiness? It’s certainly not communication, respect, kindness, love or honesty. It’s a clean bathroom. If my father can put toilet paper on the roll and keep the shower clean, I bet they’re good for another 50 years. Of course, the biggest key to my mother’s heart is toothpaste. If there is one thing that could drive her to divorce, it’s a poorly squeezed tube of toothpaste. It’s her kryptonite.

Fortunately, my father is safe. It is with great pride and relief for the longevity of their marriage that we introduce to you today: the SQUEEZE-A-TUBE. This ingenious device gently and neatly squeezes out the remaining toothpaste, cream, glue, or gel from a tube. Finally, no more mangled tubes.

It’s conservation, cleanliness and marriage therapy all rolled into one. Give away one of these beauties at your next tradeshow…and you’ve given not only a great conversation piece, but a functional, useful tool that will be used every day of your prospective clients life. Who knows, you may just save somebody’s marriage.

I’m off to get a hummingbird feeder for my kid’s science project, which I’m betting because hummingbirds fly backwards, will never really work. Until next time, remember the toast my mother made at their last anniversary party, “Marriage is not a word—it is a sentence.”