Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

I was watching “20/20” the other night and was surprised to learn that I, being a relatively happy person, am not living in the happiest country on earth. The United States, the land of opportunity, ranks only 23rd on the scale of happiness. I also learned that, contrary to popular belief, tax dollars can sometimes buy happiness. Before you throw a stapler at your computer screen, consider this: Denmark, despite having one of the highest tax rates of any country (upwards of 60%), is the happiest country on earth, according to social scientists schooled in the science (and art) of happiness. Denmark is a surprisingly ebullient country despite the fact that the weather can accurately be describes as cold, dreary and the national dish is herring. You’d think Danes would be rather grumpy, but most give themselves at least an “eight” out of ten on the happiness scale. They feel “taken care of” by their government and receive many benefits from their tax dollars. Because citizens are so taken care of, they are able to choose careers they enjoy, rather than the job that makes the most money. For example, the prince in Denmark works as a carpenter’s assistant and loves every minute of it. Garbage men are as happy, and well regarded, as bankers or doctors and Danish society is generally non-materialistic.

The Danes seem to have caught on to the fact that happiness is not determined by circumstance, like how much money you make or what your childhood was like, but comes from within. Research proves that we have the power to make ourselves happy. Happiness is found in gratitude, counting our blessings and enjoying meaningful relationships. Relationships don’t necessarily mean romantic or love relationships—meaningful relationships can be found everywhere. Friends and neighbors as well as colleagues, employees, clients and business associates can all provide the opportunity to form important bonds.

So why not give a promotional gift that strengthens those bonds, promotes good will and simply puts a smile on the face of the recipient? The iconic image of the yellow smiley face represents the joyful expression of pure happiness and the sight of it never fails to bring a nostalgic smile to the most serious face. The Friendly Face Bounce Back Sr is a fun and upbeat item to promote any type of business. The bright smiley face will let your clients know that you take customer service seriously. It will also remind your employees that your company is a fun place to work. Add your logo and the message is complete.

I’m off to prepare for my keynote speech at the National Cynics convention—don’t you just love irony? In the meantime, “Look around, happiness is trying to catch you.”

Word Play

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

Last night I dreamt that I was being chased by giant Scrabble plaques that had inexplicably come to life in order to taunt me. “Z” and “Q” were rather nasty characters but at least they confined their antics to chasing and yelling; “J” was throwing paintballs. I was running at top speed, racing the ticking clock but it was no use. “Q” and “Z” caught up and circled me. They were shouting and making lewd gestures, so I covered my ears and sank to my knees, squeezing my eyes shut to avoid their steely ten point glare when I felt myself being shaken rather violently—my worst fears were realized; the letters were going to kill me.

I woke up in a cold sweat to find my wife standing over me. Apparently she was awakened by my shouting, “ziti,” “quiz,” “qat” and “zebra” in my sleep. The time has come for me to face the cold hard truth…my Scrabble addiction is officially out of control. My family refuses to play with me, claiming it’s no fun playing with Mr. Wordsmith. I pretend to be offended by the nickname, but the truth is, I’m flattered. Lately I have turned to the Internet to quench my thirst for seven letter words. I found a fantastic website called filled with like-minded word aficionados and it has become my second home. Yesterday I found myself playing for hours against a terrifying competitor who calls himself Q-meister. I later found out my nemesis was actually a twelve-year spelling bee champ from Nantucket. Trust me, losing nine straight games to a sixth grader is a humbling experience I don’t care to repeat anytime soon.

After having the same nightmare five nights in a row, I promised my wife I’d quit since she claims that my dreams are interfering with her beauty sleep. As much as I value her good looks, I’m not sure that I can keep that particular promise—the love of words is in my veins. My therapist suggested I use substitution since quitting cold turkey could cause painful withdrawals. He recommended Sudoku, which is kind of like crossword puzzle with numbers. I’m not at all convinced it will work but I do think the popular game would make an excellent giveaway at a company picnic, annual dinner, or tradeshow. It features five levels of difficulty with 100 different games on each level. Don’t forget to put your name on it.

I’m off to practice my opening speech for the Nantucket Annual Spelling Bee. Q-meister and I decided to place a wager on our last game—and I don’t have to tell you who won. Until next time, remember, “Numbers may be necessary in life but words are the lifeblood of language.”

Happy New Year!

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

Last year Mrs. Winston and I made only one New Year’s resolution: to lose weight and keep it off, a resolution shared by many Americans and kept by less than half. The Winston’s illustrate that particular statistic quite nicely—Mrs. Winston has never looked better. This year, I have decided to make a resolution I have half a chance of actually keeping, so I’ve decided to embrace my inner athlete. That’s right, my one and only resolution is to get back into sports. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to start competing with David Beckham or going for Kobe’s job. I still prefer riding the sofa to riding a thoroughbred, so I am going to confine my participation in athletics to watching sports from the safety and comfort of my living room.

I made this decision shortly after sitting sown with a pumpkin spice latte to watch the Patriots make history and win their sixteenth straight game for a record breaking perfect season. Like many people, I assumed the Pats would be up two touchdowns before the first quarter and I could switch over to the Project Runway marathon, which I watch strictly for research. As you know by now, that was not to be. They did win of course, but it was not quite the walk in the park that many predicted. It was a hard won battle requiring skill, athleticism and heart. The Giants were in no mood to hand over a perfect season—they made them fight for it, and it was an exciting battle from start to finish. I found myself glued to the set, yelling, jumping up and down and getting my heart rate up into the fat burning zone for several minutes. Yes, this was a fitness regimen I could really get in to. I haven’t had that much fun working out since I played in the father/daughter tetherball tournament back in ‘02. And, most importantly, it is an exercise routine I can really stick to.

For those of you with loftier goals for 2008, Rush Imprint is now offering the Eco 51% Recycled Owl Journal. It’s the perfect place to write down your resolutions and track your progress. The Owl writing tablet is made from 100% post consumer waste so if one of your goals is to be greener…you are off to a good start. Since there is plenty of room for your logo, this eco journal makes a great giveaway. Recipients will associate your brand with an environmentally responsibly fresh start and will see your name every time they check off another item on their “to do” list—a winning combination to start the New Year.

Well, I’m off to catch the last half of “Project Runway” I’m hoping to get a meeting with Heidi Klum and I hear she is a stickler for being prepared. I leave you with the words of a great American hero, Oprah Winfrey: “Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.”

The Afterglow

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

I often refer to the days following Christmas as the calm after the storm. As much as we try to teach our kids about the true meaning of the holiday and make the day about something other than presents, candy canes and more toys than an F.A.O. Schwartz warehouse, having a six year old in the house means a visit from the fat man and a frenzy of flying gift wrap that beings at 6 AM. My youngest usually wakes up around 5 AM, but knows better than to wake his Mom before sun up. I imagine him impatiently watching Spongebob reruns, tapping his footy pajama clad foot and checking his Spiderman wristwatch every five minutes. When it’s finally time, he runs into our bedroom at top speed and hurls himself between us, serving as a small, warm and very loud human alarm clock with no snooze button. The next hour flies by in a whirlwind of ripping, tearing and delighted shrieking followed by a day filled with non stop eating, drinking and entertaining an endless stream of family, friends and neighbors until we all fall into a deep, coma like sleep at around 8 PM.

The kids are spending the next few days with my in-laws talking in various Southern California tourist attractions and my wife is committed to finding the best bargains known to man at every after Christmas sale she can find, so I am left alone to bask in blissful silence. After the holiday commotion, an empty house is a welcome friend. I have been spending my days puttering in my office, putting the finishing touches on my book (in stores this Spring) and practicing my putting with the Pro-Flite Golf Balls Santa so thoughtfully put in my stocking this year. They are good balls too—meant for serious golfers. These 90-compression golf balls placed 1st and 2nd in the performance categories of Total Distance and Carry Distance. Even more impressive is the fact that Mr. Claus has finally realized the value of marketing and had the balls imprinted with his logo and a clever holiday message. I guess he finally read my book!

Well, I’m off to enjoy the last remaining moments of quietude before it’s time to ring in the New Year. Remember, “Christmas only lasts a day but branding lasts forever.”

Holiday News

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

There is a lot to love about the holiday season. Who doesn’t enjoy tinsel and mistletoe, brightly wrapped gifts, Christmas cookies and eggnog? I love the chill in the air, pierced by the dulcet tones of carolers and jingle bells as much as I love the warmth of the fire and the glow of Christmas lights. What I do not love, or even like, is the penchant some of my family members and acquaintances have for sending annual holiday newsletters. Now, I have nothing against holiday cards or sharing good news with loved ones, but I find the type of bragging and revisionism that permeates most holiday newsletters about as enjoyable as the two month old fruitcake my Great Aunt Theabelle sends every year.
Here’s a short snippet from the four-page (single spaced) letter I received from my second cousin, twice removed. We’re not especially close and I haven’t seen her since the Winston family reunion of 2002, yet she feels the need to treat me, and I suspect everyone on her mailing list, to an excruciatingly detailed account of how she and the rest of her family spent the last year.

As you may remember form last year’s newsletter, my husband and I have taken up karate. I am on track to earn a black belt by year’s end and George is well on his way to earning an orange—his demanding work schedule doesn’t afford him as much practice time as I have! Sharing an activity together has really strengthened our marriage I have found kicking to be a wonderful way to stay in shape and have lost ten whole pounds! It also came in handy when George went to his high school reunion and met up with his first love. You’d be surprised how effective the threat of a karate chop to the spleen can be! Ha, Ha…just kidding! June brought some sad news when our beloved gerbil Whiskers choked on a lettuce leaf and went to heaven. Little Julie was heartbroken. Fortunately, July brought exciting news when George received a long awaited promotion and the whole family was able to take a vacation to Jamaica! Ya mon!

The amazing thing is, that is not even the craziest letter I received this year. My neighbor’s holiday letter included a detailed account of her bunion surgery and subsequent recovery. Now, I am not one to give unsolicited advice, but please—lay off the holiday newsletters people. The truth is, a nice card with warm holiday wishes is all people really expect (or want) from you. There is no need to share every detail of your personal life with everyone on your list.

Since I have the distinct feeling that my advice will go unheeded, I have the ideal gift for the rest of you. A Desktop USB Paper Shredder is the perfect way to take care of newsletters about Uncle Don’s recent hair transplant. It’s compact enough to easily fit in a business bag and can shred two pieces of paper at a time. It is also able to open letters (in case you actually want to read them). Well, I’m off to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Remember, as my Great Aunt Theabelle always says, “Let them eat fruitcake!”

Office Humor

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

These days people are obsessed with “The Office,” but not the one the go to every day. No, people are more interested in the office inhabited by people that are odder than their own co-workers and whose antics can be viewed from the safety of their living room couches. I am referring of course to the hit television show about the increasing irrelevant paper company, Dunder Mifflin led by the idiotic but lovable Scranton office boss, Michael Scott, played to perfection by Steve Carell. I think the show is so appealing because viewers can relate to the inane antics while, at the same time, reveling in the knowledge that no matter how dreary their cubicles or how vile their real life bosses, their office life is better than the one portrayed on television.

It’s popularity is proof that not everyone likes watching ultra rich, ultra fabulous people with perfect teeth and fake tans zip around in their 85,000 sports cars wearing Prada, Gucci and Mui Mui while they sip Cristal at chic parties, readjusting the silver spoons they were born with. Of course, I’ll admit to enjoying the antics on “Dirty Sexy Money” and I have been know to tune in to “The Hills,” if only to engage in some father-daughter TV bonding, but I too think it’s refreshing and self esteem boosting to watch the likes of Dwight Schrute fight with Jim over the ownership of a Rubber Grip Stapler. That’s real reality television—just the way I like it, fictionalized and laugh out loud funny.

Regular readers know that I am a big fan of fun, funny promotional items that successfully convey an important message to employees or important clients. I think that even Michael would agree that Nutty Putty fits the bill. Not only will it remind the recipient of that childhood favorite, Silly Putty®, but the egg-shaped containers are the perfect backdrop for your logo or promotional message. Because it’s a fun reminder of a simpler time, this gift is sure to be appreciated and you’ll be thought of as the “cool boss” or fun-loving vendor that everyone wants on their side.

I’ve got to go practice my speech for the office Christmas party. Since I work from home, it will be a small gathering, but I still like to deliver an inspirational speech to set the tone for the New Year. In the words of Michael Scott, “That’s what she said.”


Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

Well, it’s that time again—Thanksgiving is only days away, which means one thing: the holiday season is officially in full swing. This year, Mrs. Winston and I have decided to forgo our usual hosting duties and will “make the rounds” instead. The kids are off on an extended ski vacation with their maternal grandparents, so the wife and I are free to turkey hop. We were invited to several parties and plan to attend them all—except for the vegetarian Thanksgiving. I’m not a fan of tofurkey. We even bought special pants for the occasion; elastic waistbands are the only way to go! I am quite excited about breaking with tradition, especially since Mrs. Winston is not known for her culinary prowess. Don’t get me wrong, she has other talents, but cooking is not her best thing.

Of course, being a guest does not mean being a mooch. In order to be polite, and be invited back, it is important to arrive with a proper host gift in hand. Wine is an obvious choice and, while appreciated, it doesn’t always make an impact. That’s why I have purchased a few dozen appetizer sets from Rush Imprint. I like to create a signature gift each year and give one to everyone. I always choose something useful and memorable, which is appreciated and remembered by all…so everybody wins. This year I have chosen Wisconsin Flavors, a gift set that is sure to satisfy the heartiest of appetites. It includes a half-pound each of medium and mild cheddar and a 5-ounce stick of tangy beef summer sausage packaged with a cutting knife and a handy chopping board that is imprinted with my logo and heartfelt holiday message.

Well, I’m off to grandmother’s house to drop off the kids. Happy Thanksgiving and remember what my Mother always says, “If you don’t have anything to be thankful for, you’re not looking hard enough.”

Walk The Line

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

Although I write about gadgets and gizmos rather than sit-coms or made for TV movies, I decided to join my fellow writers on the picket line to express my support—and see for myself what all the hubbub was about. I decided to go to the big rally at Fox Plaza on Friday with 3000 other writers, actors and rabblerousing supporters to rail against corporate fat cats who refuse to share the wealth. I have to admit that this was a new experience for me since the majority of my clients are corporate fat cats, but fortunately my clients are quite happy to share the wealth so my experience with railing against “the man” has been limited to watching “North Country” on DVD.

The rally fell on day five of the strike and the mood was more festive than furious. As I walked amongst the sea of red and grey T-shirt clad men and women toward the makeshift stage, I was struck by the marketing acumen that surrounded me. I couldn’t take two steps without being offered branded water bottles (shaped like flasks), promotional energy bars or a bagel and coffee in a logo imprinted cup. Once we arrived at the rally, we were treated to a short concert by Rage Against the Machine frontman, Zack De La Rocha, an impassioned but confusing speech by Jesse Jackson and several well-worded but softly spoken speeches by various writers. Even the suits got into the act as dozens of coat and tie wearing CAA agent’s assistants passed out churros on silver platters. I guess they didn’t get the memo that no one actually likes churros, but I applaud their attempt to show solidarity with their bread and butter. Lots of actors were in attendance as well, which is a good thing because they are a bit more vocally assertive than those who actually write the words. The scene was energetic and enlivened and a bit ironic. I saw kids, holding signs that said “Residuals Paid For My Braces” and “Residuals Feed Me!” There was even a scantily clad “ring girl” carrying a sign that read “Day 5.”

I was inspired by the activism and enjoyed the rare camaraderie of being amongst so many writers. It’s funny because writers are solitary creatures by nature. They much prefer the characters in their own heads to the company of flesh and blood people so it’s rare to see so many gathered in one place. I guess it takes feeling ripped off to get a bunch of socially awkward nerds together…so maybe there is some good to come out of a bad thing.

I had so much fun; I am going again this week. Of course, I never miss an opportunity to promote, so I’ll be passing out Virgil Winston branded sunscreen to the troops. These are people who don’t get a lot of sun, so I know my giveaway will be appreciated, and I will be remembered.

Well, I’m off to watch “Norma Rae” again. I really like that Sally Field, I really do.

Writer’s Block

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

Well folks, it’s going on day three of the Hollywood Writer’s strike and production on several shows is already shutting down. Don’t worry; I will continue writing my column because, as my teen-aged daughter frequently points out, “I am so not Hollywood,” and therefore, I am not prohibited from putting pen to paper or pounding on my keyboard. The Hollywood types walked out on Monday and hit the picket lines while actors and crewmembers were told to report to work or risk being fired. That lasted about a day and a half for many shows since, as they say, “If it ain’t on the page, it ain’t on the stage.” You’d think writers could come up with a more grammatically correct saying. I was also disappointed by the lack of creative writing skill displayed on the picket lines. Most strikers carried signs that simply said, “strike,” in block letters. Sure it gets the point across, but where’s the drama, where is the pathos? I guess they are taking the directive not to write rather literally.

I don’t know about you, but I hope the writers, producers and networks resolve their issues soon because I really want to know what’s going to happen on “Lost” and Mrs. Winston can’t stand to be away from McDreamy and McSteamy for more than a week. If they don’t come to an agreement quickly, many “in the know” predict a strike could last upwards of nine months. Not only will working writers, not to mention actors, gaffers, grips, camera operators, caterers and a myriad of other support people be forced to go on the dole, but America will be relegated to watching even more Reality television. I for one have had enough of brain numbing shows like “I Love New York” and I don’t care what LC, Heidi and Spencer are doing in “The Hills.” I prefer my entertainment to be firmly rooted in fantasy…where it belongs.

I am of the belief that there is almost nothing that cannot be solved with branding, so I have contacted the Writer’s Guild of America and offered my services free of charge. (Plus, I really want to know the secrets of the island.) My first suggestion is that they send the powers that be a Mercury Click Pen imprinted with a powerful message like, “Do the Write Thing” or “The pen is mightier than the sword” to get their point across. This click action pen has a silver metallic barrel with accents in your choice of 5 great colors and the dimpled grip provides a unique look as well as supreme writing comfort. Plus, Rush Imprint can turn around a big order in one day so, when time is of the essence, they are the perfect solution. The bottom line is, everyone loves a free pen so give the people what they want…and maybe they will do the same for you.

Until next time, remember, “When words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain.” Or at least that’s what Shakespeare thought.

The Time Is Now

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

If you’re like me, you spent last Sunday in a state of time confusion. Historically, daylight saving time ends on the last Sunday of October and we “fall back” to standard time, gaining a precious hour of sleep along with an additional hour of morning daylight. If it were up to me, and clearly it’s not, daylight saving time would remain in effect year round. I prefer my daylight around when I’m awake to enjoy it but apparently the rest of the country is full of early risers who don’t enjoy commuting to work under cover of darkness. Go figure.

Since the powers that be, the omnipresent and ever mysterious “they,” decided to change things up and move the time change to this Sunday November 4th, I am reminded of the complete arbitrary nature of time. Frankly it brings up a lot more questions then answers and if I think about it for too long I end up driving myself (and Mrs., Winston) crazy.

One thing I do know for certain is that we all live by the clock—it tells us when to wake up, how long we sit in traffic each morning, when to meet our colleagues in the conference room for yet another marathon conference call, when to call it a day and when to buy flowers because you forgot your anniversary. This year, to celebrate the time change, why not give your most important clients and prospects a time piece to remember. The Carriage Clock is as practical as it is elegant. Made of 24% lead crystal, this attractive timepiece is one the recipient will be certain to use for years to come. The carriage clock’s traditional design makes it well suited for display at home or in the office. Enclose a note with your thoughtful gift that speaks to your ability to deliver in a timely fashion and it practically guarantees you will be remembered for your cleverness and class every minute of every day.

Well, I’m off to the florist. Until next time, remember the wise words of my wife’s great Grandmother on her father’s side, “We’d all be a lot happier without clocks but we’d end up eating a lot of burnt pot roast for breakfast.” The old broad was quite the philosopher.