This just in: 27% of all male college students believe life is a meaningless existential hell, which brings me right to our featured product of the day: the Etch-a-Sketch Key Chain. My regular readers know what I’m talking about. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I believe we need to lighten up a little, to stop thinking about the grittiness of life and start “living on sponge cake and watching the sun bake.” It’s time to lay back in the proverbial sun, turn off our minds and start “wasting away in Margaritaville.” Figuratively speaking, of course.
You know it’s true. Our toys are so adult like—cool, high tech, expensive and functional that we’ve all but forgotten how to be lazy, purposeless and silly. Well, I’m here to end that, to challenge brave men and women everywhere to take action: to perform more random acts of senseless fun. And, for my money, the Etch-A-Sketch keychain is a good first step. It’ll take you straight back to your childhood. You remember that, don’t you? All those wonderful hours spent twisting the knobs of your Etch-A-Sketch, creating elaborate Frank Lloyd Wright creations, only to shake them up and start all over again.
With this perfect promotional gift, you won’t just carry your keys; you’ll carry your childhood. That’s a gift that lasts forever.
Well, I got to go. It’s time for me to start searching for “my lost shaker of salt.” It may be October, but as far as I’m concerned, there’s still “a warm wind to blame.” Until next time, see you in Margaritaville.
The cosmos contains approximately 50,000,000,000 galaxies, with somewhere near 1,000,000,000,000 stars in each galaxy. Underneath those stars, there are 6,526,685,554 people on earth, which may not mean much to you, until you consider that if the entire population of China were to run past you in single file, you would not live long enough to see the end of the line. It’s a big world and, yet, there is one thing we all have in common, each and every one of us—from Anyang, China to Dakota City, Iowa—we all love the weather. “Just how cold is it going to be…and should I bring a coat.”
We don’t just love it. We’re weather freaks, especially my wife’s side of the family. In fact, my father-in-law was a frustrated meteorologist, who gave up a promising career on Flagstaff, Arizona’s Channel 14…all because a severe hail storm hit in 1973, moments after he called for a “few scattered clouds with mild temperatures in the mid 70’s.”
Everyone told him it wasn’t his fault, but he felt disgraced, and unable to look the town folk in the eye, he eventually moved east, where he retired as a postman, carrying mail through rain, sleet, snow and on sad days, even hail.
I could say I digressed, but since I never really began in the first place…let me just get to it…and tell you I have an item here that is just the right gift for 6.5 billion people, with special Rush Imprint pricing for anything over 2 billion. It’s the High Sierra Tahoe Weather Station. With a sleek modern design, this weather station features an alarm clock with snooze, month/day/year calendar, while displaying temperature in Fahrenheit or Celsius. It also has a powerful LED backlight and a remote thermometer that you can put outdoors, all packaged in a nice gift box from High Sierra.
And, remember, nobody ships to China faster than Rush Imprint.
Well, I’m off to get some pepper. I’ve been trying to convince my son it’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open…and he’s been trying to prove me wrong for a week. Poor kid. Until next time, remember what my father-in-law says, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.”
Today, I want to talk about Frisbees, also called “pie tins,” Pluto Platters and in Rush Imprint’s case, the 9” Flyer. First off, let’s just say I’m a nostalgic freak. I love Hula Hoops, 3-D glasses and the Fonz, not to mention Ozzie & Harriet and Father Knows Best, black and white shows that came on before I was even born. Truth is, if I had the Flux Capacitor, the invention that Dr. Brown used to make time travel possible in the Back to Future Films, I would certainly go back to simpler times.
Now, my wife would call that pathetic, arguing that even knowing what a flux capacitor is, was all the evidence she needed to prove I didn’t have a real date until the day I met her. While, she’s wrong by a good two months, there’s no denying that I represent a lot of people out there, individuals who secretly wish we lived in simpler times.
Well, now with the 9” flyer, we can have it. It’s the perfect promotional toy to bring out not just the kid in us, but the nostalgic. Ever since students at Yale were throwing around a few pie tins from the Frisbie Pie Company back in the mid 1950’s, over 200 million units have been sold. We love them. It’s more than a hobby for kids and dogs, it’s a sport—two sports, in fact: Ultimate Frisbee and Frisbee Golf, which are perfect for companies of all sizes—competitive and easy to play. It’s a great team building activity. And guess, what…your name is on every flyer. For instructions on how to play, go to http://www2.upa.org/index.php for Ultimate Players Association or http://www.pdga.com/ for the Professional Disc Golf Association. You’ll be glad you did.
Well, I’m off to the South Texas Origami Convention, where I’m entering my “Portuguese Swan” in the competition…if my wife hasn’t shredded it. Until next time, remember, “nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.”
Who do you love? Come on…who do you really love? Yes, you love your spouse, kids, parents and friends. Yes, I know…they light up your life and complete you. But, between you and me…who do you really love? Yeah, that’s right. You love yourself, don’t you? We all do. Carly Simon was right, “we are so vain” and, yes, “I do think that song is about me.”
Ever since that first cave man stared into some pond, we’ve been looking for ways to admire ourselves, if not find ways to free unsightly pieces of spinach lodged between our teeth. Thankfully we discovered glass in 5000 B.C., which we were able to turn into the mirror in 3500 BC, which not coincidentally coincides with the first hair cut, not to mention the birth of the entire skin care industry.
Face it, we’re obsessed with mirrors, with an average 7.3 mirrors in each house, or 22.4 in the case of Jesse Jackson. Mirrors make great promotional or tradeshow gifts…and, fortunately, Rush Imprint has plenty to choose from, at all different price points. We have the Micro Mirror, Computer Memo Holder & Mirror and the Oval Translucent Sewing Kit & Mirror, which I hope I don’t have to tell you is NOT intended for facial surgery. And, of course, we have the deluxe Robot Series Compact Lighted Mirror, which is so beautiful it could turn a humble monk into Warren Beatty.
Go ahead, get a mirror and let the loving begin.
Now, I’m off to see Lil’ Kim, who I have yet to see since she was released from prison. Until next time, remember the words of Henry David Thoreau, “The question is not what you look at, but what you see.”
If you think you’ve had a long week, remember the ancient Aztec week was twenty days long, which not even a three-day weekend could save. Throughout history we have used all types of time-telling devices—sundials, pendulums, candle clocks, hour glasses, calendar clocks, and for the ancient Incas of Peru, even time measured by how long it took to cook a potato, which thousands of years later, has became a little more sophisticated by my own grandfather, who proudly believes he can measure time by his own bowel movements.
Yes, we’ve come a long way, which is why I’d like to introduce you to the Planet-Time Clock. This promotional gift item will stand out on any desk. It makes a stunning gift with the silver tone globe contrasting against the black weighted base…all with a generous sized imprint area for your logo and/or message. Of course, the exciting thing about this clock is this: the globe rotates once per minute advancing the time and the Meridian and Equatorial bands. This is not just a timepiece, but a conversation piece.
There may be thousands of ways to tell time, but how many of them are sleek, powerful and accurate—certainly more reliable than a potato…or a trip to the bathroom.
Well, I’m off to the Opera with my wife, where I predict in three rotations of the globe, I will be fast asleep. Until next time, remember, “There is no time, like the present.”
My Aunt Irene has what doctors call Internet Addiction Disorder, which is compounded by an aggressive form of Relational Googleitis—an inability to stop Googling everybody she ever met. In spite of her lug of a husband, she wants to believe her life is better than most of the people she knows, including the boys and girls she shared the first grade with.
While Irene is the extreme, there are many of us who, if not in the same boat, are most definitely sailing in the same waters. We love our computers. And if we’re not Googling our high school class for convicted felons, we’re listening to music, organizing photos, doing taxes, getting recipes, playing games, making movies, charting genealogical roots, gambling, dreaming, searching and, once in awhile, even working.
Enhance that computer experience and, guess what? You’ve just taken one giant leap toward entrenching your life—and promotional products—into the lives of your potential customers. Computer gadgets never go out of style. And the cooler the better.
And, yes…it doesn’t get cooler than the USB Laptop Fan. This refreshing gift is perfect for the laptop user. No batteries needed—it’s all USB powered. It also comes with a strong clip to hold it in place, a clear case with snap-shut lid and a gift box. You’ll get people turning their heads for this one…if only for the fresh breeze coming their way.
Well, I’m off to my next door neighbor’s wedding, a man my Aunt Irene tells me once served four days in county jail for disorderly conduct. Until next time, remember, if you want to be cool, you have to stay cool.
Record set on July 19, 1994
Susan Montgomery Willams, Fresno California
Ever since that great California ad man, Gary Dahl, invented the Pet Rock in 1975, we’ve been looking for the next big thing. Well, I just found it. It’s called the GUMvelope. I just love the name—trademark rightfully pending. This promotional tradeshow product is the perfect blend of originality and simplicity. It’s gum with your name on it. A 12 pack of Sugar Free Peppermint Gum in a handy, silver dispenser wrapped with an imprinted envelope.
Sure, you expect company names and logos imprinted on mugs, shirts, pens and hats, but gum? That’s a novelty…a novelty that makes you want to dig into your pocket and share with the world—five beautiful sticks at a time. Oh…and by the way, North Americans spend approximately half a billion dollars on gum every year. In other words, that’s a lot of people to please…a lot of customers.
But, please…remember the gum etiquette: no popping, no cracking and no unlawfully disposing of gum under the furniture. Friends don’t let friends chew and drop. Chew responsibly.
Now, I’m off to the Friends for a Cell Free America Rally being held out by the only payphone left in town. Until next time, remember the words of Hank Ketcham, “Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it, but don’t swallow it.”
My mom is a big fan of Henry Deutschendorf, also known as the late John Denver, who she believed was almost as talented as Barry Alan Pincus or Cherilyn Sarkisian, who you’d probably recognize as Barry Manilow or Cher.
Musical tastes aside, Mom believed you kept the name you were given—which is why I’m still Virgil—and also consistent with her skepticism for anything that smells of in-authenticity. Bono. Madonna. Cubic Zirconia. Forget about it. She wanted the real thing. Her motto: “Give me the best and “make it last,” which would make her an ideal candidate for the Cutter & Buck Am Classic Shoe Shine Kit, forgetting the fact that she hasn’t been out of her slippers in the last 4 years.
Frankly, I’m excited about this gift product. Give one of these exclusive promotional items and you’ll immediately set yourself apart from the competition. Not only is it a gift that most people don’t have, but wish they did, it’s sleek, handsome and authentic. This seven-piece set includes a leather and waxed cotton twill case, neutral shoe polish, buffing sponge, polishing brush, wire brush, cloth and shoe horn…with the signature Cutter & Buck lining you’ve come to expect. It also includes a 2-piece Cutter & Buck gift box. Trust me, I use it all the time…and so will your customers.
Well, I’m off to an Antonio Dominic Benedetto concert, who we won’t tell my mom is really Tony Bennett. Until next time, remember the old Chinese proverb that says, “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.”
I suppose because of our extensive marketing background, it is no surprise that my entire family comes from a long line of inventors. Of course, with the exception of the Snorkel Box, none of our inventions have come close to seeing light outside of our basements, attics or, in the case of my Uncle Lou, cell block.
In fact, for the record (and don’t tell Aunt Esther this), even the Snorkel Box was an un-credited work of art…and for the unenlightened…the Snorkel Box is the specialized mailbox with a protruding receiver that allows people to deposit mail without leaving their cars. While a brilliant idea, it was born more out of rage than invention. As the story goes, one horribly rainy day, Aunt Esther couldn’t find a parking spot at the post office, and in lazy desperation…flung her letter out the window and straight into a mailbox that was suddenly opened. It was a beautiful shot…which legend has it, was witnessed by the head of the Post Office’s Research and Development Department. Of course, the rest is history.
But, with no royalty check in hand, Aunt Esther always ends up turning philosophical, saying, “the Snorkel Box belongs to us all now.”
Bottom line, I don’t care who takes credit for our world’s inventions. Esther’s right, they do belong to us all and it’s time we step up and give gratitude for each and every one of these small miracles, starting right now with our featured product of the day, the Lint Removal Brush. Yes, finally, you can wear dark colors with confidence. This indispensable brush will not only keep every suit, jacket and dress lint free, but will keep your name as close as the heart, kneecap and thigh of every American lucky enough to hold this valuable promotional travel item in their hands. This item is a must…not just for airline pilots, flight attendants or traveling addicts, but for individual home use as well.
Go ahead. Make this a better America. Become lint free.
Now, I’m off to take Aunt Esther to get her hair pimped as she calls it. You can bet we’ll have to mail a few letters on the way. Until next time, remember what Esther always says, “Necessity is not the mother of invention, rain is.”
My great, great grandfather Clayton Winston was very much like William Shakespeare. Not that he could write, but that he died on the same day he was born. He lived a long and productive life, so I suppose it was poetic that he met his maker during his own birthday party, during which he was tragically mistaken for a Pancho Villa piñata, by no less than his own six year old grandson…my father.
Of course, I wouldn’t have known any of this if Uncle Lou hadn’t read the journal out loud at my father’s birthday party. Yes, Uncle Lou had been drinking too many Pineapple Daiquiri’s and, yes, he had no business reading it in the first place, let alone calling my father a “killer,” but, just the same—talk about your bombshells!
Truth is, I never knew about the “piñata accident,” let alone the nun from Kansas or my fathers’ fear of marbles…and it totally explains his near obsessive avoidance of parks on weekends, and, of course, the way he breaks down sobbing during the Sound of Music.
If I didn’t think we should all keep a journal before…I do now. Journals are more than a few careless thoughts written down, they are a record of the lives we live and the experiences we share. Journals are our history. And the more we encourage them, the better off we’ll be…my father being the exception.
And, yes, I have the perfect journal for you. It’s called the Sedona Suede Journal. It includes a 100-page refillable spiral journal with genuine suede cover. It also has a pocket for business cards, with a covered vinyl pen loop and a 1-piece gift box. It’s not just the perfect promotional gift for customers and employees alike, but a legacy to pass down from generation to generation. And, don’t forget, it’s refillable…because life is refillable.
Well, I’m off to take some food over to Uncle Lou, who is now in a self-imposed witness protection program, unbeknownst to him…that his wife has sent out change of address cards. Until next time, remember, “You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.”