My mom is a big fan of Henry Deutschendorf, also known as the late John Denver, who she believed was almost as talented as Barry Alan Pincus or Cherilyn Sarkisian, who you’d probably recognize as Barry Manilow or Cher.
Musical tastes aside, Mom believed you kept the name you were given—which is why I’m still Virgil—and also consistent with her skepticism for anything that smells of in-authenticity. Bono. Madonna. Cubic Zirconia. Forget about it. She wanted the real thing. Her motto: “Give me the best and “make it last,” which would make her an ideal candidate for the Cutter & Buck Am Classic Shoe Shine Kit, forgetting the fact that she hasn’t been out of her slippers in the last 4 years.
Frankly, I’m excited about this gift product. Give one of these exclusive promotional items and you’ll immediately set yourself apart from the competition. Not only is it a gift that most people don’t have, but wish they did, it’s sleek, handsome and authentic. This seven-piece set includes a leather and waxed cotton twill case, neutral shoe polish, buffing sponge, polishing brush, wire brush, cloth and shoe horn…with the signature Cutter & Buck lining you’ve come to expect. It also includes a 2-piece Cutter & Buck gift box. Trust me, I use it all the time…and so will your customers.
Well, I’m off to an Antonio Dominic Benedetto concert, who we won’t tell my mom is really Tony Bennett. Until next time, remember the old Chinese proverb that says, “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.”
I suppose because of our extensive marketing background, it is no surprise that my entire family comes from a long line of inventors. Of course, with the exception of the Snorkel Box, none of our inventions have come close to seeing light outside of our basements, attics or, in the case of my Uncle Lou, cell block.
In fact, for the record (and don’t tell Aunt Esther this), even the Snorkel Box was an un-credited work of art…and for the unenlightened…the Snorkel Box is the specialized mailbox with a protruding receiver that allows people to deposit mail without leaving their cars. While a brilliant idea, it was born more out of rage than invention. As the story goes, one horribly rainy day, Aunt Esther couldn’t find a parking spot at the post office, and in lazy desperation…flung her letter out the window and straight into a mailbox that was suddenly opened. It was a beautiful shot…which legend has it, was witnessed by the head of the Post Office’s Research and Development Department. Of course, the rest is history.
But, with no royalty check in hand, Aunt Esther always ends up turning philosophical, saying, “the Snorkel Box belongs to us all now.”
Bottom line, I don’t care who takes credit for our world’s inventions. Esther’s right, they do belong to us all and it’s time we step up and give gratitude for each and every one of these small miracles, starting right now with our featured product of the day, the Lint Removal Brush. Yes, finally, you can wear dark colors with confidence. This indispensable brush will not only keep every suit, jacket and dress lint free, but will keep your name as close as the heart, kneecap and thigh of every American lucky enough to hold this valuable promotional travel item in their hands. This item is a must…not just for airline pilots, flight attendants or traveling addicts, but for individual home use as well.
Go ahead. Make this a better America. Become lint free.
Now, I’m off to take Aunt Esther to get her hair pimped as she calls it. You can bet we’ll have to mail a few letters on the way. Until next time, remember what Esther always says, “Necessity is not the mother of invention, rain is.”
My great, great grandfather Clayton Winston was very much like William Shakespeare. Not that he could write, but that he died on the same day he was born. He lived a long and productive life, so I suppose it was poetic that he met his maker during his own birthday party, during which he was tragically mistaken for a Pancho Villa piñata, by no less than his own six year old grandson…my father.
Of course, I wouldn’t have known any of this if Uncle Lou hadn’t read the journal out loud at my father’s birthday party. Yes, Uncle Lou had been drinking too many Pineapple Daiquiri’s and, yes, he had no business reading it in the first place, let alone calling my father a “killer,” but, just the same—talk about your bombshells!
Truth is, I never knew about the “piñata accident,” let alone the nun from Kansas or my fathers’ fear of marbles…and it totally explains his near obsessive avoidance of parks on weekends, and, of course, the way he breaks down sobbing during the Sound of Music.
If I didn’t think we should all keep a journal before…I do now. Journals are more than a few careless thoughts written down, they are a record of the lives we live and the experiences we share. Journals are our history. And the more we encourage them, the better off we’ll be…my father being the exception.
And, yes, I have the perfect journal for you. It’s called the Sedona Suede Journal. It includes a 100-page refillable spiral journal with genuine suede cover. It also has a pocket for business cards, with a covered vinyl pen loop and a 1-piece gift box. It’s not just the perfect promotional gift for customers and employees alike, but a legacy to pass down from generation to generation. And, don’t forget, it’s refillable…because life is refillable.
Well, I’m off to take some food over to Uncle Lou, who is now in a self-imposed witness protection program, unbeknownst to him…that his wife has sent out change of address cards. Until next time, remember, “You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future.”
Every St. Patrick’s Day, my friend Eduardo Jose-Luis Dominguez puts on his lime green suit and celebrates the heritage he knows nothing about. And every year, he inevitably gets asked the same question: where did you get that suit?
I suppose it’s human nature. If we like something someone else has, we want to know where they got it. It’s how every fad from the Pez Dispenser to Pet Rocks to Mood Rings began, the last one of which my mother-in-law invented, only without the ring.
We love the odd, quirky and unusual, which leads us right to the Staple-Less Stapler. That’s right…it’s the staple-less paper fastening system…surprisingly handy in a busy office…with no jamming on faxes and copiers. The PL-80 cuts through papers and creates a loop-and-tuck binding, able to fasten up to 5 pages of standard paper. You’ll never use staples again. It’s the perfect desk accessory—fun, functional…and, best of all, most people don’t already have one.
Of course, I have one, making me the envy of the entire office…or since I work at home…the entire neighborhood. Just the same, everyone wants to keep up with the Winston’s now. And do you know what? For a good price, I’d be glad to let them.
Now, I’m off to the pound to get ourselves a puppy, which, I believe is not coincidentally happening on the day before my kids go back to school. Until next time, remember the words of the late Hunter S. Thompson, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
Let me tell you something about my side of the family…we’re not especially handsome people. And you wouldn’t be out of line if you said we were downright homely. I mean we certainly have our moments, given the right lighting and the proper stretch pants, but let’s face it, we’re ordinary at best, and it’s just a darn good thing my kids got their looks from their mother’s side, with the exception of the youngest one of course.
To make a long story short, we’re the perfect candidates for hats, and I have every cap my wife ever gave me to prove it. Truth is, hats are for everybody from Johnny Depp to Ron Howard. In fact, hats are truly the ultimate marketers dream. They are a universal gift, offering truly top of mind, brand awareness. What’s the first thing someone looks at it when you walk up? It’s not you, but your hat…and the logo/message you’ve put on it. And, perhaps, the best thing about hats is this…people save, collect and rotate them. It is the promotion that keeps giving, or better yet, advertising.
Here’s a tip about hats, though. You have to get a cool one…a fashionable one…one your customers or employees want to put on. And for my money, the Brushed Canvas Hat is your solution. It has a comfortable soft canvas, with a finish that looks brushed or washed, along with cotton buckram lining on the front panels. It comes in over 21 color variations, with a crown that offers a relaxed casual fit for maximum comfort, all with a very stylish cloth back strap and brass buckle.
Well, I’m off to school. It’s career day at my son’s school and I’m talking about the art of promotion in a narcissistic, post-modern society. Until next time, remember, sometimes the only way to learn to climb a wall is to throw your cap over it.
My wife is a sticky note addict. They are all over the house. On the toilet seat—close it. In the shower—squeegee it. On the TV—turn it off. On the kitchen trash—take it out. On the dishes—wash them. On the dog—feed it. I am scared to think how much she has spent on the “sticky note” in the course of her life. It wouldn’t surprise me to believe she is now up to a $2.00 a day habit. We have confronted her, even bought her Palm Pilots and eraser boards, but nothing has worked. So, we have accepted it, knowing that without her we’d all be lost.
Of course, I suspect my wife is not alone. We are a nation obsessed with lists, notes and reminders; something which forgetful baby boomers suddenly understand is more valuable than ever. Since 1970 the sticky note has become a staple of American life, a part of our everyday existence and, most importantly, a fixture on desks from California to Maine. As someone who wants to get his name out in the public, you want to be a part of that frenzy, which is why we proudly feature the Pop-Up Sticky-Note Dispenser.
This pop-up sticky-note dispenser is the perfect tradeshow gift. It mounts anywhere with the supplied self-adhesive tape. You can be sure your name will stick around when you give these out. This dispenser is available in your pick of three translucent colors and includes a standard 3 by 3 inch pop-up note pad. Take it from me…they’re addictive.
Speaking of notes, I’m off to the cleaners. Until next time, remember what Henry Ford
once said, “Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.”
When it comes to the Rubik’s Cube…there is only 1 correct answer and 43 quintillion wrong ones. Quintillion…as in 43,252,003,274,489,856,000. And I thought Scrabble was humbling. Of course, my Uncle Marty says he’s successfully solved the algorithm four times, but then he was always alone, so we believe him about as much as we believe he was married to Shirley MacLaine for six weeks…as if the grainy black & white photo of him and Shirley in front of a taxi is proof. I can guarantee you…if he said more than four words to her, it was in another life.
In any case, one eighth of the world’s population has laid their hands on “The Cube,” which makes it not only the most popular puzzle in history, but the world’s ninth most cruel and unusual punishment. Don’t you think it’s about time your company join the fun? You can start with the Micro Rubik’s Cube Key Holder. It’s not just a chain holder, but a fully functioning miniature Rubik’s cube, with your custom imprinted message right there for all to fumble with. And with a quintillion different color positions, just imagine how long they’ll be fumbling.
It’s good fun…good torture…and great advertising.
But, don’t thank me…thank Erno Rubik, the Hungarian little fellow who came up with the colorful brainchild. So, what are you waiting for…go ahead and get a few…the possibilities are almost never ending.
Well, speaking of games, I’m off to the U.S.A.R.P.S. tournament…known to those of us who play the game…not only as the USA Rock Paper Scissors tournament, but the worlds greatest hand sport. Until next time, remember what Erno Rubik said, “The problems of puzzles are very near the problems of life.”
In 1957, my Uncle Marty invented the beer cap suction cup so his friend Wayne could enjoy his daily twelve-pack, while he recuperated from the two broken arms he incurred while falling off the high beam. Of course, as family history would tell it, Uncle Marty’s invention was later bootlegged by his own brother Rex, who, with an investment from the Schlitz Brewing Company, perfected the beer bong that is so popular in colleges today.
Now, 49 years later, taking your rest and relaxation on the road has been turned into an art form…one that has been perfected even further by the Deluxe Cooler Chair. Made from a durable metal frame, with a deluxe padded seat, this sporty chair has two can/bottle holders and is collapsible for easy storage. It also comes with a front zippered pocket, heat sealed liner and adjustable padded shoulder strap. About all it doesn’t do, is pour your favorite beverage for you, but then isn’t that what children are for.
Well, I’m off to the Celebrity Impersonators Convention in Atlantic City, where my father will once again attempt to honor the late Jerry Garcia. Until next time, remember the words of Calvin & Hobbes, “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
We all know that the number one fear in America is not death, heights, going to the dentist or even spending an hour with Joan Rivers. It’s speaking in public. I’ve tried myself to overcome the fear—breathing exercises, yoga, hypnotherapy and even a brief foray into Colonics, which is just a quaint way of saying they give you a lot of enemas.
And, of course, everybody says, “just picture your audience in their underwear,” which might have worked if my 88 year old Aunt Esther hadn’t once dropped her napkin in my presence, her purple thong wistfully peeking its way out of her Juicy Couture sweats…a train wreck made even worse when her husband, Hal, caught me looking and winked.
No, I needed more help than that. So, I enrolled at the Dale Carnegie Institute for Public Speaking, studying under some of the most gifted orators of our generation. It is here I overcame my fear, learning a lesson I’d like to pass on to you now. The most important thing about public speaking is not what you say or how you say it. It’s not eye contact, posture, projection or poise. The key to public speaking success is having a really good pointer in your hand…something that distracts the audience from your stumbling words.
I’m not talking about just any pointer, but the ultimate Presentation Laser Pointer, which is the perfect gift for those executives who have everything…and even those who have nothing, including wit, charisma or passion. Trust me, this thing is cool. You control your Power Point presentations remotely using this compact system. What’s more, its base unit connects to your computer, picking up signals from the wand to switch slides, allowing the laser pointer to direct your audiences’ attention to areas on the screen…and, more importantly, away from you. Now, how’s that for a cure.
Well, I’m off to the Tucson Society of Philographist’s (autograph collectors), where if I’m lucky, I will finally get my coveted Yo Yo Ma signature. Until next time, remember the words of Jerry Seinfeld, who never thought it was right that death would be the number two fear, saying, “That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Let me just come right out and say it. Clark Gable had breath that could kill a yak. I’m talking breath that was so horrible Vivien Leigh could barely kiss him in Gone With the Wind. Truth be told, Scarlett was the one who didn’t give a damn—she just wanted to get off the set. Now, I realize Clark drank a good deal of whiskey and, what with his false teeth and all, there were valid reasons for the breath he had. Just the same, he clearly points out the fact that even the rich and famous get halitosis. For that matter, so do 74 million other Americans. We are without a doubt, a country in need of a mint.
But, don’t worry, Rush Imprint has you covered…and not just for their timeliness and speed. These guys know something about bad breath… just ask the guys in shipping. In fact, they have all the mints you need, including the Custom Wrapped Jumbo Cinnamon Mint, a certain conversation piece…the Flat Top Tins-Super Mints, with the cool tin and large imprint area…or one of my favorites, the Credit Card Mint Dispenser. Put your logo on any one of these trendy wrappers, boxes or tins and then watch as your clients or staff line up for more—their marriages and careers saved.
Well, speaking of bad breath, I’m off to the Harrison Ford Achievement Awards. Until next time, remember the words of Uncle Dan, our family’s most gamy offender, who said, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” Uncle Dan knows what he’s talking about.