Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

On Friday night my wife told me she had a surprise for me. As you might imagine, I was more than a little excited and headed for the bedroom when I was stopped cold by the six words every married man dreads, “We are going to Ikea tomorrow.” I don’t know about you but a trip to Ikea on the weekend is a bit like going sailing in the Bermuda triangle, it sounds like fun but you’d best be prepared. Our mission was to find and purchase the perfect cabinet to house my wife’s extensive glass egg collection.

We got up early on Saturday in order to beat the crowds and I was pleasantly surprised to find a parking spot right up front. As I pulled in, a rather large, red-faced woman in an SUV packed with what appeared to be a half a dozen children accosted me. Apparently Ikea designates several prime spaces for “Family” parking and this woman was incensed that my wife and I had taken “her” spot. I tried explaining that the Winston’s were indeed a family and that even though our three kids were at home, it still counts. I was about to add that a brisk walk may even help her lose the extra baby weight but thought better of it when her face went from red to purple and her eyes started to bulge out of her head. I gave her the spot.

Once inside, we grabbed a cart and jumped into the human stream following the blue arrows painted on the floor in search of elusive cabinetry. After about an hour and half I got tired of comparing wood types and glass thickness and wandered off in search of promotional ideas. I ended up in the window covering section, dangerously far from the blue arrow that would eventually lead me out the door to safety but fortunately I was prepared. I had some leftover peanuts from a circus campaign I worked on last year and was able to leave a trail. The manager was not amused by my resourcefulness and threatened to kick me out. Since we hadn’t found the cabinet yet, I could not let that happen and searched for a way out. It was then that one of Grandpa Winston’s lessons came to me. He always said to look for opportunities in every disaster. Leaving without a curio cabinet may not seem like a disaster to you but you don’t have to listen to my wife carry on about her eggs. Needless to say, I was inspired and decided to pitch him my newly formed idea for branded window shades. I can’t get into details but lets just say my passport will soon have a stamp from Sweden.

My wife finally found the perfect cabinet just as I was sealing the deal so our trip turned out to be an all around success. I spent the rest of the weekend assembling the cabinet using a 6-Function Tool Kit Wrench that I picked up in one of the swag seats at the Academy Awards. It’s actually a great little tool that your clients are sure to appreciate. Just remember the Golden Rule and (say it with me) put your name on it!

Well, I’m off to pack for my trip to Sweden; I’ll finally have an opportunity to wear lederhosen. Remember, “Wisdom is a blessing only to those prepared to absorb it so bring a sponge.”

Thank You Very Much

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

If you read my column on a regular basis, you know that I am a card-carrying insomniac. You may not know that I am also a card-carrying member of Oprah’s Book Club. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I have had an Oprah Winfrey addiction for quite some time. The bad news is there is no cure. The good news is, there are plenty of ways to feed my addiction. Not only can I watch her on TV but there’s a magazine, website and radio station all devoted to the woman with the Midas touch. She’s a full-fledged icon and I have been working on a few ideas I hope will become one of her favorite things. While preparing my pitch, I came across a quote that really hit me. “Be thankful for what you have and you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never have enough.” She has a good point. Giving thanks leads to getting more things. Maybe that’s not exactly what she meant but it works for me.

In my view, nothing says thank you like a Pop Top Tin with Mini Mints. The best part is that these edible bites of gratitude are fresh, versatile and can be easily mailed anywhere. They also make an ideal tag-along at trade shows, picnics, parties, and businesses. The packaging is printable so you can promote your company while spreading thanks.

I will leave you with a final thought from my favorite talk show host. “Devote today to something so daring even you can’t believe you’re doing it.” Good advice. I’m going to take my mother-in-law shoe shopping. Wish me luck.

Big Night

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

The Academy Awards Show is this Sunday and my wife has never been more excited. She loves watching the Red Carpet arrivals and who can blame her? I especially enjoy Joan Rivers because chances are she will say exactly the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time and the results are usually uncomfortably hilarious. It’s kind of like watching “The Office” with famous people. This year’s show promises to be bigger than ever, literally. With the nomination of Jennifer Hudson and the growing popularity of America Ferrara (“Ugly Betty”) and Tyra Banks, bigger is indeed better, or at least just as beautiful.

It’s not that these ladies are fat, mind you. It’s just that compared to your average stick figure actress, these women are a lot closer in size to the average American woman. Since women have been forced to stare at endless photos of skinny super models and lollipops* like the Olsen twins, Nicole Ritchie and Kate Bosworth the emergence of actresses with actual bodies is pretty refreshing. I am pretty sure Mrs. Winston is not alone in her excitement to see women weighing more than one hundred pounds strutting their stuff down the red carpet; especially considering the average American woman weighs around 164 pounds. Incidentally, did you know that the human body has enough fat to produce seven bars of soap? I am prohibited by threat of divorce from revealing my wife’s weight but I can say that while she is less than the national average, she has never been accused of being a stick figure. That’s good news for me since I prefer a woman with a full body.

As you know, I have quite a few celebrity clients; just last week I helped Tony Danza’s former roommate design a marketing plan for his new homemade jam company. So, as you can imagine, I’m pretty dialed in. That’s how I was able to find out that a certain PR company is sending all the presenters and nominees giant personalized chocolate bars to encourage the trend toward fullness. Smart move. It’s a time honored marketing tradition that if something is hot, jump on board and if you discover a brilliant idea, steal it. That’s why I suggest you send your VIPs delicious chocolate bars that spell out your message. Rush Imprint has high quality Chocolate Bars in three sizes; your logo or personal message will get double exposure since both the bar an the wrapper can be customized. It’s the perfect promotional item when you want to ensure your message will be well received.

Mrs. Winston always says, “I never met a piece of chocolate I didn’t like.” I’m off to make some chocolate dipped strawberries; Mrs. Winston and I have a date to watch the Oscars together and it really puts her in the mood.

Mood Music

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

My daughter told me about a Canadian study on the effect of music listening on work performance. It turns out, listening to tunes while working leads to improved performance. The study seemed to indicate that at least part of the reason workers produced more work at a faster pace was because hearing their favorite music put them in a good mood. It makes a lot of sense, actually. In fact, I never write my blog without first cranking up Burt Bacharach. Another study found that of the music lovers who listen while they work, 79% felt it improved their job satisfaction and productivity. So workers are happier and they get more done.

That’s why I suggest you jump on the bandwagon and promote your employees mental health while simultaneously upping productivity in your office. That way, everybody wins. Most built in computer speakers simply don’t give good sound, which is why the Icon Vase Speaker with two-way surround sound and innovative audio lens technology makes a great gift. It’s easy to use too, just plug and play. Its USB powered, doesn’t need an adapter and the tuned tweeter offers improved clarity. The sound is so good, everyone will want one. You may want to give one to favorite clients as well. Just remember to put your name on it so your customers will remember who put them in a good mood.

As it turns out, my daughter didn’t give me this information simply for my edification, she had an ulterior motive. It seems my eldest was longing for a new ipod that she said would help her study for her SATs. I have to admit, she made a compelling argument and I was more than a little proud of her ability to make a sale.

Well, I’m off to MC a local celebration of International Pancake Day (February 20th if you are interested). Remember, “music makes the world go round but you still have to sing for your supper.”

Jury Duty

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

Like most people, I tried everything in my power to get out of doing my civic duty and duck the Jury Summons that showed up like a bright pink demon in my mailbox. I’m all for trial by jury and the constitutional rights our forefathers fought so hard for, but somebody else can do it, right? As I was soon to discover, in Los Angeles County, there is no getting out of jury duty. Believe me, I tried. After running out of excuses and postponements, the day had arrived and I prepared myself to brave the downtown traffic.

I entered the Courthouse and made my way to the jury waiting room to join the one hundred other prospective jurors, hoping my number would not be called. I sat down and began plotting out how I could become an “undesirable” juror. I imagined myself saying things like, “If he’s here, he must be guilty!” and “ I think the system is rigged!” I was still hatching my plan to act like a bad juror when my name was called. I followed the twenty or so other people in my group to Court Room 12B and filled out a questionnaire meant to find out if I pre-qualified to sit on this particular jury. As a reached for my favorite black pen, I noticed many of my fellow jurors rifling through their bags looking for something to write and it hit me! I had been looking at this thing all wrong. Jury Duty wasn’t an inconvenience; it was an opportunity. Grandpa Winston’s words came rushing back to me, “Every day is a good day for marketing.” I quickly handed her my pen, which of course…all together now, had my name on it! Of course I had extras and proceeded to pass them out to my fellow prospective jurors. Soon, everybody in the courtroom would know my name.

You never know when you’ll have an opportunity to get your name out there. Sometimes it’s jury duty, other times it’s an elevator stuck between floors. The point is, it’s best to be prepared. Don’t miss another opportunity to be noticed, order a bunch of Seville pens and get your name out there now.

I’m off to the Emergency Room, there should be a lot of people there with a lot of time on their hands and I have a few extra copies of my book I’d like to un—er, promote.
Heed the words of Whitney M. Young, Jr. who said, “It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

Word Love

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

I was reading the dictionary last night and came across some interesting items. I realize that to some, Webster’s Dictionary may not be an obvious choice for bedtime reading but as an insomniac and word junky, it’s one of my favorite distractions. The problem is, I often find myself so caught up in definitions and pronunciations that instead of inducing sleep, the words invigorate me. After all, who could sleep after discovering that the word ‘with’ has twenty-two definitions?

To a word fiend like myself, the dictionary offers a plethora of ways to feed my insatiable addiction. It’s not only the learning of new word and its myriad of meanings but also the newfound ability to insert the new locution into daily conversation. For example, the word buxom, which most of us know means full bosomed, healthily plump and ample of figure, used to mean obedient, yielding, pliant. I find the origin of the word interesting since a buxom woman is certainly capable of rendering most men all of the above. Did I mention that Mrs. Winston is quite…nevermind.

One of my favorite words is diastema, which is a gap between two teeth. This means that Madonna, David Letterman and my six year old share the bond of having a diastema. I just love the way words bring people together. Regrettably my all night dictionary reading habit was tearing Mrs. Winston and I apart. She can’t sleep with the light on and I can’t sleep, period. Fortunately, we found the perfect solution in the form of the Executive Book Light. One push of a button is all that’s needed to shine the LED light directly where needed, so I can learn that decimate has an entirely different meaning than disseminate while Mrs. Winston gets her beauty sleep. This particular book light is compact and lightweight so it travels well. Add your company logo to its silver surface and you’ve created a smart gift for clients and potential customers that acknowledges their late night literacy. The best part is, your logo is the last thing they see before drifting off to sleep which means you’ll be marketing your company in their dreams.

Remember, if you’ve ever experience lethologica, don’t panic; the cure is as close as your dictionary. I’m off to see my bookkeeper* because even gurus have to pay taxes.

*Bookkeeper is the only word in the English language with three back-to-back double letter combinations.

Cupid’s Away

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

As a marketing man, I thoroughly appreciate the concept of Valentine’s Day even if, as a husband it makes me sweat. There is no doubt Cupid’s Day offers a big boost to flower, chocolate and lingerie sales just to name a few. Truth be told, all you need to do is add the words, “Be My Valentine” to anything and boom, you’ve created the perfect V-day gift. Even if you haven’t been personally struck by Cupid’s arrow, you have to admit that February 14th is a marketing bonanza.

It’s an accepted marketing principal that if you can’t find a niche or hole in the market place that allows you and your product to jump on the bandwagon, then make like a salmon and swim upstream. The Anti-Valentine’s Day movement was born out of just that principal. You only have to browse online to find a plethora of singles events, bar parties and less than romantic gifts celebrating the act of not celebrating Valentine’s Day.

I can’t take credit for the trend but as a promotional expert, I sure know how to capitalize on a smart idea. So, in honor escaping an arrow to the heart, today’s offering is for those who would rather not (be mine). Give your not quite boyfriend a personalized bottle of Hand Sanitizer; it says I like you, not your germs. A Boundry Duffel says ‘you can’t have a drawer but this bag will hold hold all your stuff and has a large end pocket, zippered shoe pocket and even a water bottle pocket.’ Sometimes, it’s all in the name.

Well, I’m off to the jeweler’s because the truth is; I’m a romantic at heart. Remember the wise words of my great Aunt Rose, “No one acts more foolishly than a wise man in love.”

A Stitch In Time

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

I spent most of last night in the emergency room with my youngest son. As anyone raising boys can attest to, it’s dangerous business. This latest trip was the result of little Al’s decision to climb to the top of the jungle gym to see if his Superman cape worked. It didn’t. Fortunately he escaped without any broken bones and ended up with a few stitches and a bruised ego. Al is a tough little guy; he didn’t cry once. We would have been out of the ER and home in no time but I fainted upon seeing my youngest son stitched up by a doctor that made Doogie Howser look like a retiree.

In honor of Al and his six stitches, today’s featured product is a Sewing Kit In Clear Top Plastic Box. It’s a handy little sewing kit that is perfect for travel, purses, brief cases and the home. Your customers will carry your logo in style with this practical but appreciated incentive, reminding them that you care about good grooming and style. When you personalize the kit with your company logo and add inspired messaging, you will have a promotional item that showcases your company’s blend of practical creativity. It’s a winning combination that will have all your accounts sewn up.

I’m off to read Al a bedtime story that does not include flying superheroes. Remember, a stitch in time saves nine but if your kid needs stitches, you’d better sit down.

The Race is On

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

As serious movie fans are aware, Oscar nominations were announced last week. It seems that the popular film, “Dreamgirls” didn’t received a nomination but two of it’s stars did. If you believe the press, Jennifer Hudson has the Best Supporting Actress statuette locked up. Everyone’s favorite dream girl has officially made it, proving that America loves a good underdog story. My nephew Wendell said it best, “The girl’s got chops, pipes and plenty of curves to go around.” Come to think of it, Wendell isn’t really all that eloquent but at least he’s enthusiastic. Jennifer’s co-star is Eddie Murphy and to everyone’s surprise, he’s the favorite to win Best Supporting Actor. Who knew the Nutty Professor could act?

Not everyone has the Oscar sewn up however and that means there is a lot of nail biting, knuckle cracking and hand wringing in Tinseltown. The stars are stressed out and we have all read reports of what happens when celebrities are under pressure. Just ask Russell Crow. To insure the safety of hotel employees and regular people everywhere, I suggest that the Academy send Star Stress Relievers to all the nominees. That way everyone will feel appreciated. Plus, it’s a fun way to calm frazzled Oscar nerves while reminding everyone, ‘it is an honor just to be nominated.” In fact, that would make a great inscription.

Well, I’m off to book my ticket for New York. The “Meet the Oscars, New York” exhibit opens in February and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to pose for a photo with Clark Gable’s Oscar. I think Shirley Jones summed up the experience of winning an Academy Award best, “After I won the Oscar, my salary doubled, my friends tripled, my children became more popular at school, my butcher made a pass at me, and my maid hit me up for a raise.”

Sweet Smell of Success

Virgil Winston: Marketing Guru

I have a strict personal policy to always, without exception, accept any breath mint that is offered to me at any time. You never know if the offer is an act of politeness or a not so subtle hint and as a marketing man, I can’t afford to be caught with breath that is less than fresh. Talking is my game and if my audience catches a whiff of foul odor, I’ll never be able to deliver my message.

Halitosis or oral malodor, as it is known in scientific circles, can usually be taken care of with a swish of mouthwash or a quick brushing session. Unfortunately breath offenders don’t always know they are guilty since familiarity breeds, well familiarity. One option is to enlist a spouse or trusted friend to perform a breath test but in serious cases this could lead to divorce or demotion to a phone friend so I don’t recommend it. I read somewhere that you can test your own breath for freshness by licking the inside of your wrist, waiting for the saliva to dry and then smelling your wrist. Since it’s not always possible to lick yourself in public, perform this one at your own risk. This is why I strictly adhere to the aforementioned policy.

Let’s face it we, as a nation, are obsessed with fresh breath. All it takes is a trip to the grocery store to see how many different types of breath mints, gum and mouthwash are on display. One of the hottest forms of breath control on the market today are breath strips, making them the perfect promotional item to put your name on. They are fun to use, compact and come in two flavors. It’s the one give away no one in his or her right mind will turn down.

I’m off to the dentist for my semi- annual cleaning because I don’t want to ever hear The Donald say, “Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.” Ouch.